A song that became a hymn
To commemorate the International Day for Elimination of Violence against Women a group of women led by Marcela Fernández performed “We want us alive” to the song “Canción sin miedo” of the mexican singer and song writer Vivir Quintana.
Article available in SPANISH too.
The first time that I listened to the song “Canción sin miedo” by Vivir Quintana was on March 9th, 2020. I listened through a video and I shed big, bitter tears that I didn’t expect or try to control. I was home alone and my phone and social media were deactivated for the day since I had joined the national women strike which had been called in Mexico. I felt very close to the cause, no matter the distance, and I wanted to be part of this historical moment happening in Mexico. I had also participated in the demonstration in Helsinki on International Women’s day the day before.
In that demonstration we recreated the performance “El violador eres tú” by the Chilean feminist collective LASTESIS and there I was listening to this other song which awakened so many feelings in me. Protest music has always been interesting to me. It is a beautiful and pure way of activism through art and these two songs became hymns.
March also brought us the lock down and many of us, from our own perspective were having a worse or better time trying to get used to the new reality that we didn’t want and feared. We were too busy thinking about how to get adapted that we maybe didn’t stop to think on how others in vulnerability were coping. Among those there were the people who lived with their abusers and who would now be with them 24/7. Information about domestic violence and how it increased during the pandemic can be found in various articles and at the UNWomen’s page.
Fast forward to the summer when I had a conversation with my friend Marcela. She told me about her intention of creating a performance using the song that had awakened so many feelings in me and that I wanted to share with Finnish audiences. We giggled, probably we were nervous or excited about the implications of doing so but I also wondered whether I would be able to participate given the pain that I felt each time I listened to the lyrics. But she started planning it, the occasion would be the event organized by PlusCollective Finland on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.
In August while I was mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook I saw that my friend Olivia was asking for support to help locate her niece, Mariana, who had disappeared. The expression ‘my stomach sank to the floor’ is perfect to describe what I felt when I read this. One sees so many posts related to missing women that one starts detaching perhaps as a self-defense mechanism. But this time it felt so close, so real, so dangerously possible. I read Oli sharing the messages that Mariana’s desperate mother wrote to beg for help and my heart ached. After a little over a month the authorities confirmed that they had found Mariana’s body. She was with someone she fully trusted, her boyfriend. Reading the article made me cry yet again and I thought that I wanted to honor her memory with my participation in the performance. I understand that that doesn’t bring her back but I felt so helpless that I didn’t know what else I could do but to honor her life.
We started rehearsals in October for the performance and at the beginning the emotional burden was so big that I doubted again if I would be able to do it. The dynamic in the group made me know that I wanted to be there and then with them. I also wanted to see the materialization of what had once just been a dream for Marcela. Given the power of the song’s lyrics we had to prepare also with some corporal expression exercises. Paola prepared an activity which made us reflect about the violence that women suffer. I have to admit that this was painful to do and that it removed the fragile protection that I had set over my unhealed wounds. But what made it unbearably painful was to listen to the stories of people so close to me. It’s not that I was unaware that most of the women that I know have suffered some type of aggression but at that moment, so intimate, it became physically impossible to bear it and I collapsed to my knees.
Sometimes when we cry we take our hands to our face. I am not sure why this happens. Maybe it is natural to try and hide our tears, to cover the pain, to maintain privacy. I took my hands to my face because I didn’t want to see the images that appeared in my mind. I wanted to cover them though I was well aware that it was not possible.
After finishing the performance I cried again. I felt so many things. This time though when my daughter asked me why I was crying I answered that sometimes we cry of happiness and I was not lying. I was happy for being part of something so wonderful and for honoring Mariana. I was happy to have both of my kids watching the performance and for doing it with this group of women.
It was so cold and right before the performance I was trembling. Now I am a bit drained but also happy and liberated. I wish I could say that at this stage of my life I no longer live in fear but I still do. Sometimes I fear for my integrity, sometimes for the integrity of my women and my men. Not long ago I was riding my bicycle through a park path which was illuminated. It was misty and I felt that sensation of fear so known from before. I had the feeling that it was a matter of time for someone to show up and attack me. So yes, I still feel that kind of fear no matter how grown I am now and where I live. I however have the hope that my kid will never experience that fear and never understands it even through whatever I could tell her. I wish protest music someday ceases to exist because it will become redundant.
Thank you, Marcela, Antonella, Carmela, Cristina, Emily, Jessica, Laura, María, Nathalia, Paola, Ruth, Stephania & Sulay for sharing your time and everything else with me and also Claudia for all the support.
To watch the video of the performance click HERE.
IMPORTANT! If you are a victim of violence ask for help to your closest network, to your Embassy, to the police or to organizations as Monika-Naiset liitto ry which can offer you professional help in diverse languages.
